Why Dachshunds Are the Best Small Dog Breed: A Retired Doctor’s Humorous Take

Why Dachshunds Are the Best Small Dog Breed: A Retired Doctor’s Humorous Take

(A girl with her best friend)

As a retired doctor, I've spent my fair share of time analyzing people’s ailments, prescribing the right medicines, and—let's face it—occasionally being the cause of someone’s stress as I told them they needed to cut down on their salt intake. But now that I’ve hung up my stethoscope (and my somewhat ratty, ill-fitting lab coat), I find myself spending more time reflecting on the true joys in life. And let me tell you, after all those years in the medical field, there is one joy that stands head and shoulders above the rest: Dachshunds.

Yes, you heard me right. The Dachshund, often affectionately called the “wiener dog,” is undoubtedly the best small dog breed. In fact, I would go so far as to say that owning one of these delightful little creatures is as close to a medical miracle as one can get—minus the whole “prescribed medication” part, of course. Let me walk you through my reasoning, or rather, my diagnosis, as to why Dachshunds are the epitome of small dog greatness.

1. The Longest Little Legs with the Biggest Personality

Now, I’ve been around the block a few times, both literally and figuratively. In my medical career, I’ve observed countless personalities. But I’ve never encountered anything like the indomitable spirit of a Dachshund. These dogs, with their long bodies and short, stubby legs, are like the medical anomaly of the canine world. They defy all expectations and deliver a full package of charm, sass, and confidence.

It’s like a tiny, furry Napoleon—short in stature but bold in character. It’s as if they’re constantly saying, “Don’t let my size fool you. I may have the legs of a corgi, but I’ve got the heart of a lion.” And much like a lion, they will run the household. If you’re looking for a dog that knows how to get what it wants, look no further than a Dachshund. Forget about playing fetch—these little guys are too busy organizing their social empire from the comfort of your lap.

2. Built-in Therapy: Low Maintenance and High Cuteness

In my line of work, I prescribed countless therapies. Some worked. Others didn’t. But let me tell you, one therapy I’ve found to be 100% effective in treating the stresses of life is cuddling with a Dachshund. I’m not just talking about any cuddling—I mean the kind where they burrow into your lap like they’re trying to build a little Dachshund fort and act like you're the most important person in the world.

There’s a certain comfort that comes from the gentle, rhythmic breathing of a Dachshund as they snooze on your lap. It’s like having a tiny living heating pad that also gives you unconditional affection. And let’s face it—what’s better than a creature that provides both warmth and emotional support while looking like they’ve just walked out of a cartoon?

The beauty of the Dachshund is that they’re remarkably low-maintenance. Unlike some breeds that require regular grooming, constant attention, and scheduled therapy appointments for their anxiety (I’m looking at you, high-strung poodles), the Dachshund is content to sit in your lap, stare into your eyes with those soulful eyes, and gently remind you that you are, in fact, the best human ever.

3. The Best Watchdogs—Seriously

Okay, so you might be thinking, “What can a dog the size of a loaf of bread possibly do to protect me?” Let me enlighten you. While it’s true that a Dachshund may not have the intimidating size of a German Shepherd or the menacing bark of a Rottweiler, they more than make up for it with pure, undiluted conviction.

When a Dachshund hears a noise—whether it’s a leaf blowing in the wind or the neighbor’s cat daring to walk across the yard—you’ll hear it. And I mean you’ll really hear it. The bark of a Dachshund is less of a warning and more of a declaration of war. These dogs will shout their displeasure at anything that even remotely resembles an intrusion. And, let’s be honest, if a burglar were to hear a Dachshund barking at full volume from inside the house, they’d probably run for the hills. The sheer force of their tiny voices is enough to make anyone second-guess their criminal career.

In fact, Dachshunds should be considered honorary members of law enforcement. They’re like the undercover agents of the dog world, always alert and ready to blow their cover at the slightest hint of trouble. If you value security in your life (and I know I did as a doctor), you can’t go wrong with a Dachshund on duty.

4. They’re Perfect for Lazy Days

Now, I’m not saying that every Dachshund is lazy—there are some very energetic ones out there, particularly if they’ve been fed a few too many treats. But generally speaking, a Dachshund is the ideal companion for those days when you just can’t muster up the energy to do anything productive. These dogs are champions of relaxation. They’ll curl up next to you on the couch, nap in the sun, and never judge you for binge-watching an entire season of a show you promised yourself you’d “just watch one episode of.”

If you’ve had a hard day, there’s no better prescription than a cozy evening spent with a Dachshund. You can lounge in sweatpants, eat takeout, and your Dachshund will be right there with you, judging you only with the purest form of affection. The fact that they’re so content to do nothing with you is a beautiful thing. It’s like having a small, furry friend who shares your appreciation for the finer things in life—like naps and Netflix.

5. The Long Lifespan: Your New Forever Friend

As a retired doctor, I’ve had my fair share of conversations about health and longevity. One of the few things I can say with certainty is that the Dachshund is in it for the long haul. While some dog breeds have shorter lifespans (no one likes to talk about that, but it’s true), a healthy Dachshund can live anywhere from 12 to 16 years. That means you get a long, happy relationship with your pint-sized best friend.

Having a Dachshund means you’re committing to a long-term partnership—one where you both grow old together. You’ll age gracefully while your Dachshund will continue to rock that adorable, stubby-legged strut that makes them look like they’re walking around in slow-motion for dramatic effect. Together, you’ll face the challenges of aging, from wrinkles to gray hair, and you’ll be there for each other through thick and thin—whether it’s a bout of arthritis or an urgent need for a snack.

6. They’re the Perfect Size for Any Home

Let’s talk about size for a moment. When I was practicing medicine, I often found myself trying to make space for people’s various needs—be it an extra chair for a patient or a longer consultation for someone in distress. But when it comes to dogs, there’s a breed that requires no extra space: the Dachshund.

These dogs are perfect for both apartments and houses. Their compact size allows them to squeeze into the smallest of spaces, and they’re quite content to spend their time in whatever cozy nook you designate as their domain. They’re like little living room accessories—furry, adorable, and totally portable. You could take one on a plane, on a road trip, or even on a cruise if you’re feeling particularly adventurous (though, let’s be honest, your Dachshund would likely prefer to stay home and guard the couch).

7. They Have a Ridiculously Cute Appearance

Let’s talk about the obvious. Dachshunds are adorable. Their long, flowing ears, big eyes, and that unmistakable body shape (they’re essentially a hot dog with a wig) make them one of the cutest creatures on the planet. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen someone’s heart melt just from the sight of a Dachshund. And it’s not just the general public. I’ve even seen doctors (yes, actual doctors) walk into my office and gasp, “Oh my gosh, is that a Dachshund?” It’s like these dogs have a magical ability to capture the hearts of even the most jaded medical professionals.

Their cuteness is so potent that it has the power to lower blood pressure, release endorphins, and just generally make you feel better. In fact, I’d recommend looking at a picture of a Dachshund before your next physical. It’ll likely be more effective than any stress-relief technique I could suggest.

(Dog days of summer with the best small dog breed)

Conclusion: A Prescription for Joy

As a retired doctor, I’ve seen my fair share of medical marvels. But nothing quite compares to the miraculous joy that a Dachshund brings into one’s life. From their hilarious, oversized personalities to their unyielding loyalty and love, these dogs truly are the best small breed out there. They’re low-maintenance, high-energy when they need to be, and incredibly cute to boot. And they’re perfect for anyone looking for a lifelong companion who will always be by your side—whether you’re binge-watching TV or guarding your home from the terrifying sound of a leaf rustling in the wind.

So, if you’re considering adding a small dog to your family, remember this: A Dachshund is not just a dog. It’s a tiny, furry, adorable medical miracle that will bring endless joy and laughter into your life. And really, what more could you possibly need?